Suicide

the constant ringing noise finally breaks
as my mom picks up the phone
at first she sounds as if she's laughing
and then i realize
she's sobbing
she walks into my room
and i ask
Is it Michael?
She nods
Is he dead?
She nods again
as tears roll down my face
i call friends
the people who care
i call my other brother
the brother who tried to save Michael

the wake
i walk slowly into the room
and there my brother is
lying in the casket
they put makeup
all over his face
so it wasn't blue like before
they told us we couldn't kiss him
my grandma yells at them
my grandpa is too upset for words
my mom and my brother are beside me
they stand above his casket and scream
DAMMIT
my heart is screaming the same thing
i will never see him again
never hug him again
i never got to say goodbye
i wish i had been there for him
why did this have to happen?
questions roll through my mind
where is my brother?
what was going through his mind at that time?
did he know that i loved him?

winding around in a car
hundreds of grave markers
come out of the ground
hundreds of lives lost
in hundreds of ways
finally the car comes to a stop
and doors open
and shut
and we walk like lost people
to a huge pile of dirt
to where my brother's body now lies
is this real?
a nightmare is reality
reality is a nightmare
is he really buried under the ground?
there is no grave marker
with his name
i am still in shock
as i look at the beautiful flowers
i realize that
my brother is here

a year later
as i sit here and think
this year has been hard
i realize
God has given me strength
beyond comprehension
i miss my brother
but i speak about his struggles
at high schools
hoping to impact someone
in his situation
addicted to drugs
so alone
no way out except
suicide
but
THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE